Can you say....BUSTED?????

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Mpls./St. Paul Airport, day of departure

(picture courtesy of: MPR News )

Ok, we are settled in at home now...unfortunately. But that means a few posts and pictures of our trip!

I have to say, not traveling since 1993 by plane, our airport adventure proved to be VERY frustrating and a really bad way to wake up in the morning the day we left. And who would think that at 5:30 in the morning the airport would be so busy and hectic. Guess I don't get out much! Anyway......

We awoke at 4:30am and got to the airport by about 5:20am. Because our flight information told us to arrive at least 2 hours early, we figured this would be plenty of time. Hell, an hour early would have been plenty the way we were herded around like cattle there. And impatience? Holy cow, some of those airport employees are downright nasty!

So, we got to this 'foreign' place and had e-tickets with NOT a clue how to get an actual ticket in our hands. Well, because the mode there is rush rush rush, it seemed that no one had the time to actually tell us what to do. One lady told us to put in our drivers license number, the machine said 'confirmation' number but the slip of paper we were told to print out had a variety of names for a variety of numbers and the machine had no option to put in the drivers license.

So we stood at this machine and some guy walked by and we flagged him down and he was kind enough to point to the exact number that we were to put in...or maybe it was a lady? I don't know, I was half asleep and so lost in this whole morning shuffle that I just can't even remember those who took a second of their time to help those of us who never travel. And I know, they don't know we don't travel a lot but if I were to see someone looking around, flailing arms, shrugging, looking a little exasperated, and most importantly...holding up the line, I guess I would think that perhaps they might need some help figuring something out? But that's just me, I'm an observer. And I would like to point out that when we were asking for help, directions were very vague so it wasn't like we weren't trying to get some assistance as well. Once we were given this information, that whole process went very smooth and quick...about 10 minutes all told?

Next it was the security check in! Oh my god, I was trying to read sign after sign after sign, in small print, to figure out what we needed to do. Pat was getting rushed along by the guy sitting on his butt yelling at everyone to hurry as the guy casually checked id's and tickets. I seriously thought Pat was gonna pop him one because already, the tension was building.

In the meantime, I'm digging in my carry-on trying to get everything out that needs to be out (according to the signs), Pat was telling me I don't need to do this or that, I'm asking him what we need to have out, my hands were full and I had a ticket and my drivers license in the other hand hanging on to them for dear life while this line is moving like a conveyor belt. There was NO time to breathe here, it was moving along like highway traffic in this place.

So, we got to the check point and it's more rush rush rush.....put your stuff in this bin, take off your shoes, take off your jackets, empty your pockets, pick up that lap top and take it out of the bag, put everything in your hands into the bins. Needless to say, I was starting to break out in a sweat due to the intensity of the pace these workers were making us keep. We got through security fine EXCEPT when they told me to throw everything in the bin, that meant my license and my boarding pass. Because we were being rushed through so fast, I didn't feel like I had the time to put these things in a safer place and since I couldn't cram them in my pocket because we had to empty them, that meant I had to throw them in the bin with the baggies of toiletries and shoes and purse and film and camera, and, and, and. When I put them in there I swore they were on top with the other boarding passes.

Once the bins came through the other side we started to quickly grab our stuff. Pat then asked in a frantic voice, "LeAnn, where's your other boarding pass???????" ....my boarding pass was missing, not my license, just my boarding pass! As we raced to get all our stuff back in the carry on bags, Pat's computer back in it's bag, jackets on, shoes on, we were searching high and low for this pass...it was no where!

Finally, finally a KIND person who was working at the end of the belt asked us if everything was ok. I practically screamed at her that NO, EVERYTHING WAS NOT OK. But I refrained, after all, it was only 6 in the morning or so and I hadn't had my coffee and I only felt completely out of my element...why yell and make matters worse. So this lady, who barely spoke English was told that we lost one of the 4 boarding passes we had..it went through the machine in a bin and poof, it was just gone! Her response was to just stand there and look at us and shrug....

Man, it was hell for me because I KNEW I put that pass right on top, under my license, next to my wallet. We didn't know if they would allow us to print another, the idea of having to go through all that crap AGAIN was a dreadful and very irritating thought, and seriously, we only had the dumb thing not 2 minutes earlier, what the hell happened to it! Could the morning have gotten any more frantic!

We looked, we tore our pockets apart all over, we tore our carry on bags apart, I tore my purse apart even though there was nothing in it, I tore my wallet apart....shit!!!! Pat was less than pleased yelling at me, I was yelling at him...it was your typical comedy half hour in the airport.....and all the while I was thinking, I know I threw that thing in the bin because I was told to put everything in the bin by the security people...

Now remember, I said this lady was kind...I didn't think that at first because of her reaction when I told her what was going on because frankly, I didn't think she gave a damn, that she was just as insensitive to those of us who NEVER travel and wrote us off as the idiots we probably looked like. I pretty much had given up on getting help from ANY of those 8 or 10 people who work in this area because none of them really seemed to care and I was near tears. Suddenly with my back turned, helplessness and the unknown engulfing every fiber of me, there was a light, frantic tapping on my left shoulder...I turned and there was this kind, barely English speaking woman looking at me with huge eyes and pointing.

There, underneath the x-ray machine was a white slip of paper, upside down..she pushed me along and kept wagging her pointing finger at the slip of paper...and the relief that washed over me was so intense I cannot even tell you. Then I got a pang of nervousness cuz what if it wasn't my boarding pass, then what....but I stopped my thought process and went an picked it up. There like a big flashing neon black light was my name in the upper corner.

I thanked this woman so many times and wanted to hug her but thought that would be a little inappropriate not to mention I would have security guards cuffing me or something.

Once we made it through that chaos we breathed a HUGE sigh and said, "We made it!" and walked on in shock at how much things have changed since we'd last went on an airplane. We ended up at our gate an hour earlier than we needed to be and this was after we got coffee and went to the bathroom. All told, the fiasco of entering into the airport took us about 20 minutes or so? But while it's happening it's funny how it seems to take an eternity.

Once we sat, I realized how out of breath I was, how hot and perturbed I was, and just how I pray to god that the rest of this stuff would be less frantic and crazy. Just really not a great way to start out a day, especially before the rooster crows!

Next to come....getting on that airplane!

Home again

We arrived home from one of the most memorable trips yet..well since France...and since it's the ONLY trip away from the state in the last 16 years I suppose memorable it will be.

Will be bringing my films in tomorrow to get the pics to post but man, those mental pictures and sounds will be around for awhile. I can still hear the sound of that bell from the cable cars ringing in my ears and the noise of all the people and the echos of all the music, and the noise of car horns and cars racing around the streets....one would think that living in the area that we live in that those things would be the last thing that I would relish!

Oh, just so much to talk about but it's pretty late now and I'm sure I'll be posting about things in the next few days. Until then................

Just checking in.....

Still in San Francisco, this place is SO amazing! Beautiful architecture, tons to do but I would have to say the best is people watching. A lot of interesting people here.

Just wanted to check in quick before I head to Chinatown to take some more pictures. Already gone through 5 rolls of film and that's conserving. We're taking a tour this evening with Pat's seminar called Night in the City. We've already been to most of the places but since we leave tomorrow we figured it would be a great end of the trip event.

Hope all are doing wonderful and will post more once we get back on MN turf....have a great day all, I know I am!

R.I.P.

Wow, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett in one day. May they rest in peace.

I'm relieved for Farrah because she won't have to struggle with her illness anymore but am still a little stunned and not sure how to feel about MJ.....

Yin and Yang

We spent most of our weekend in Hudson for a soccer tournament! Two games on Saturday and one yesterday. What a weekend! Our daughter's team had a great opportunity to learn the new formations as well as the new positions and it went fabulous. Passing was strong, goals were made, and the games were excellent to watch.

Saturday proved to be hot!!!!! Man, we are all burned to a crisp and walking around here in agony. But it's all good, GD#3 is in good spirits because she finally has a tan. That girl cracks me up!

Now this week we have 4 nights of soccer games, two for our son and two for our daughter. Poor Pat has to come home from work, eat a quick sandwich and it's back on the road...tonight we have to travel and hour and a half away, tomorrow it's another hour away game and then on Wednesday and Thursday we finally have a couple of home games. When they say traveling soccer they sure aren't kidding. This season has been exceptionally busy with our kids playing on alternating nights but watching them is such a great time!

Friday we get to drop the kids off at their grandma's for a few nights and Pat and I are heading to San Francisco! The only crappy part of that is that Pat has to work most of the time so I'm on my own....I haven't had all that much time to think about this trip, at least not until last week when I had a little time to sit down and do some searching of things to do in the area. I try not to think about having to explore things on my own cuz then I just get mopey and wish that Pat could enjoy some down time too. But overall, I think I've found some things to do with my time and am hoping to really make the most of the trip! Now I'm getting mopey again.

Just a little this and that for the old blogger world....now I must go weed my garden! Ick!!!!!

To Each His Own

Warning: Rant coming, read at your own risk!

Being a smoker, I can say that I wish I never started. Trying to quit has proven very difficult but that doesn't mean it won't ever happen. When I saw the title of this article, I just had to read it because as a smoker, I can tell you that I have felt like a leper to those who don't smoke.

I am not a smoker that will blow smoke in others faces, I ask those who don't smoke if they mind if I light up if we're in a vehicle or in an enclosed area or I just won't smoke around them, we don't smoke in our home, we only smoke in one of our vehicles and rarely when the kids are in it or even others who don't smoke. Pat and I are pretty conscious smokers, if anti-smokers can grasp that concept. There really is such a thing believe it or not.

I was in the smoking area (the only area designated to us criminals) of my college one day where all us terribly diseased people hang out and fill our lungs with death when out the door walks a non-smoker. She proceeded to fake cough and make nasty faces at all of us while she waved her hands and walked through our black cloud of death in our tiny little smoking area outside.

It is people like that that piss me off beyond belief. We are smoking where we are out of the way, we are in our designated area, we are minding our own business, we are following the rules set forth for our disgusting habit and the only people we are hurting is ourselves. Why then, when this girl has NUMEROUS other doors to walk out of would she choose to walk out the smoking area door??????? To cough her little cough and make a spectacle of herself?

I would like to also point out that our smoking area also had a table with an umbrella and some chairs, those were removed and placed in the non-smoking area. Signs were posted stating the we had to be 50-feet from the door or they would take our smoking area away from us and they also put the same sign at that 50-foot mark....is this sort of thing done to non-smokers or people who drink???? I don't think so.

This country is about freedoms, freedom to live your life how you want....no, not everyone is going to like the choices others make and I can respect that. I don't walk through a non-smoking area and scream, "OH MY GOD, you guys don't smoke! That is SOOOOO disgusting?" Why would I do that? Perhaps I'm just not one to judge how others want to live their lives. If people want to smoke, drink, do drugs, be sex maniacs, whatever, that's their choice.

I have voiced on this blog MANY times my disgust for this and that but that doesn't mean I get in the faces of others and demand that they make changes to their lifestyle, or ban them from my life. If people don't like smokers, that's great for them, I applaud that they never picked up the habit or were able to change that aspect of their life. It's only when they have to be so damn mean and nasty and forget that regardless of our nasty habit that beneath that cloud of toxic smoke there lies a human being......smoking does not make the person....nor does not smoking. Would be nice if people could remember what it is to be kind and human to others.....

This just really upsets me

While life has been super busy around here, I do try to keep up a bit with this and that. I can tell you this, had I not been so busy I would have written about all this crap quite awhile ago! I find it offensive, disgusting, degrading, and absolutely unacceptable the way people act in this country towards women, towards men, towards children, towards each other. Freedom of speech is one thing but to insult and throw around such distasteful accusations and to conveniently forget that people are human is something that I have no patience for! This woman sums up something on my mind quite nicely. Great article, I thought I would share.

h/t: Fox News

ANDREA TANTAROS: The Latest Media Blood Sport — Attacking Conservative Women

By Andrea Tantaros
Republican Political Commentator/FOXNews.com Contributor

A growing trend seems to be emerging. From Perez Hilton to Playboy’s “Conservative Women Hate List” to David Letterman’s lewd comments about Sarah Palin, it appears that attacking women – specifically conservative women – is not only all the rage, but oddly, acceptable.

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The more acceptable it becomes to express violent, crass language against women in the public arena the more you can expect our country to fray at the seams.

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I’m not talking about attacks from bottom feeder leftist blogs either. Notable mainstream brands like the Miss USA Organization, “The Late Show” and Playboy magazine have all lost their sense of humor and their sense of decency by allowing conservative women to become a punching bag — and a punch line — for the left.

Watch Andrea Tantaros discuss this topic with America’s Newsroom Host Megyn Kelly:

Forgoing all boundaries, a party that once used to claim to own the violence against women issue has embraced it and let their politics run them when it comes to the issue of misogyny.

On its face, this isn’t even a political issue. It’s a women’s issue –- a human issue that transcends politics. But why, when it comes to the most serious and sensitive attacks against women the National Organization for Women spokeswoman warrants a missing person’s report?

Carrie Prejean was called the most offensive four and five letter words by Miss USA judge Perez Hilton’s after she expressed her traditional views on gay marriage. Was he scolded by one of the organization’s owners, Donald Trump? Hardly. Trump actually expressed willingness to allow Hilton to judge at next year’s competition.

And that’s just the beginning. Playboy magazine published a vile, incendiary list of conservative women it would like to engage in hate sex with, and it was only after public outcry that it pulled the article. Its response was watered down, to say the least. Where was that writer’s editor? (And that editor’s mind, moreover?) It doesn’t take an expert to know that the first stage of violence is thinking about it, then expressing it, then actually doing it.

David Letterman made a disgusting joke about Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s underage daughter and he didn’t stop there. He continued to make an off color joke about the Governor’s appearance making many want to invoke slaps but not against their knees.

Palin is apparently more popular than Letterman. Thanks to growing pressure from viewers Letterman offered — not one — but two — mea culpas. But where was CBS from the start? It was only after the public got involved that the comedian began to react with some seeming sincerity.

For the record, Palin should never appear on his show. Protests calling for his resignation should continue with a larger message to the general population and television executives everywhere: distasteful behavior against females will not be tolerated.

The United States, a champion for women’s rights throughout the world, will have a tough time wagging it’s finger at countries that are less than progressive in their attitudes toward women and crimes against women all over the world when we tolerate hate speak at the expense of the American female, for a few laughs or fame, no less.

The First Amendment protects free speech but there is no reason that we, as citizens and consumers, should buy it. When it comes to those who want to disrespect any woman, we can take it to their bottom line and not only speak out, but also boycott their business.

Violence against women is wrong, no matter what party affiliation, not to mention it’s just not funny. The more acceptable it becomes to express violent, crass language against women in the public arena the more you can expect our country to fray at the seams.

A little gushing about my kids

Man am I exhausted! I think I'm still trying to catch up on sleep from Friday. The first graduation party is over and I'm pretty sure it went really well and all the kids enjoyed their celebration. I was there on 3 hours of sleep and felt like a walking zombie all day...not good. Can you say 'relief'? Well, one down one to go. This week I'm devoted to a massive clean up of the house and the garage and then the yard and maybe the basement if I have time and this all for the party we'll have this weekend. I told Pat tonight on the way to soccer that I'm going to be a mess next week because for the first time in I don't know how long, I will have NOTHING to do. I will officially be on summer vacation. (working at the school does have it's perks). Wow, I think I may just go loopy or something. NOT!!!! Cannot wait.

Aside from all that hoopla this weeks soccer started on Sunday evening. (yes, it's soccer season and I must gush a bit) Monday we traveled about 75 miles one way for our sons soccer game. Man does that kid ever cease to shock me???? He gets to play goalie every game now for half the game. Last night he made the most amazing double save...the sidelines were going crazy! I actually had a tear in my eye I was so proud! (yes, I've suddenly become this sentimental fool!)

First was a shot that we all thought for sure was a goal, it tipped off the tip of our son's toe and went sideways and our boy fell to the ground with the ball missing the net by mere inches. The ball bounced across to the other side of the net and at lightening speed our guy was up, running across the box did a jump and a spin as the other player tried a second time to get what was going to be a sure goal and WHAM! It hit our boy on the side and just WOW! He had an amazing soccer game, their team won but it was pretty close at the end. Who would think that watching 10 & 11-year olds play soccer would be nail biters! Good grief!

We just got back from our daughters game...which was about 60 miles away one way...same area only a little closer! They're having a pretty tough season. They moved up from C-3 to C-2 this year which means better teams, tougher competition. Our girl has come out of her shell and is having an amazing season this year. Very aggressive and she even told me she's afraid she might get a yellow card this year! Frankly, I would cheer if she did. (in our vehicle on the way home of course because she's been pretty timid for a long time). She's not a goalie or a forward but a mid...if she never scored a goal, I would still be proud of how far she has come as a soccer player. She fights for that ball and suddenly gives 110%.

I honestly don't know when it was that I began to love watching soccer so much but watching my kids out there running their butts off and working so hard makes my heart swell. These kids work hard and seem to have endless energy and I speak about all the kids on the team. One can see that they are just barely hanging on, ready to collapse yet somehow, some way, they keep on going!

Eventually I will get some pictures posted of graduation, perhaps next week. But this photo definitely had to go up...Our oldest daughter works at a photo lab and has been pretty busy these last few weeks with my photos; enlargements, copies, invitations, redos, etc. Needless to say, she's been getting a lot of practice on the old photo shop. I brought my rolls of film from the graduation ceremony up to her, asked her to make doubles and the usual. She later texted me and wanted to know when I was going to be there, she had something she really wanted to show me. She had done something to one of the pictures and told me that it made her cry as she worked on it. I saw this and it just melted my heart.


Not only did she remove all the 'noise' surrounding' this moment, she added a really sweet saying at the bottom. I cannot put into words how much this photo means to me....how special it is...the father-daughter embrace, the father-daughter moment. It's always been important to me that our kids have a good relationship with their dad. Our oldest took a picture I snapped and turned it into a thought that was going through my mind as I stood there looking at this and clicked the shutter....She made us 3-8x10's and one for herself. What more can I say to her besides thank you because honestly, words cannot express....

Anyway, I had a few moments before I eat my dinner and head off to bed...thought I would spend it talking about my kids a bit. They've earned it....

Congratulations to our Daughter!

From the cute little pig-tailed joker who had more quirks and a love for dresses and dancing..........

To this, a hard working, very serious, smart individual who has more motivation to make a good life for herself than anyone I have known! She is a child any parent would be proud of...aside from her attitude, hehe....she is stubborn, strong-willed, very independent and cannot wait to spread her wings and fly from this nest and build her own.

We couldn't be any more proud of you GD#2!

Memorial Day 2009

As I sit here pondering how I will spend my day, in which order things will get done, in the back of my mind lurks what today is really all about! Honoring those in the military who have sacrificed so much; families, servicemen and women. It reminds me how very lucky we are to be here, to be free, here to enjoy our children, my husband, our grand baby, the beauty that surrounds us, to be able to love and hate openly, to be able to speak our minds however and whenever we feel. It reminds me of what a beautiful country we all really live in and how much in this life so many take for granted.

Are the deaths of those who fought for what I enjoy so much all for nothing? In our home, it is a day to remember, it is a day to honor, it is a day to look around and relish the very freedoms that most days even we take for granted. I hope there are others out there who will take a moment to bow your head in a moment of silence and thank those very selfless, honorable men and women who see the reason for what they do, who do so with pride and bravery no matter what the end result will be. It is but a small token of our appreciation, but to those in the military it could mean a reminder that there are people in this world that care and recognize the magnitude of what it is these men and women really do.

Is it August yet?

It's been pretty crazy buzy around this household! So much going on, not much time to breathe! Planning for 2 grad parties, a baptism, a graduation ceremony next Friday, proms and birthdays that have been and gone, soccer tournaments, sickness, soccer practices, trip to San Francisco, re-taking senior pictures, taking prom pictures, more soccer stuff, the end of the school year which brings with it another new schedule of events and activities, another birthday just around the corner which will be a trip to Valley Fair, work, meetings, catching up on emails from days ago, ummmm, friends and fishing, gardening, addressing, stamping, stuffing and mailing invites while attending soccer practices, waiting on address', ummmmmm, babysitting our wee grandbaby, kids having mri's and possible knee surgery, windows getting hit with some damn punks favorite passtime...bb guns, some jerk-off stalking our 13 year old daughter....did I miss anything? Probably but that has been and will be what life has been around this house.

Good grief, that isn't including all the errands in between, or all the things racing through our minds trying to keep up as well as keep it straight. Great example of how frazzled we are here? Pat was just about to head out the door for his soccer practice when the assistant coach called and asked him if practice was tonight or Thursday...turns out practice is actually on Thursday so tonight, there will only be our daughter in attendance as well as the asst. coaches daughter unless of course some who may have listened on Sunday to him saying..."See ya Tuesday". Needless to say, Pat walked out that door cussing and saying to me...I just can't keep all this shit straight! Is it no wonder I feel like crawling into a hole to hibernate for the next couple months?

Our daughter's grad ceremony is next Friday...gawd did that creep up on us fast...then the week after, the family graduation party with her and two of her cousins..all graduating this year. The trio. I'm looking forward to that one being over because then it will put a big dent in our to-do list and make me feel like some progress is being made in the busy department! Although I have to immediately start planning for the party we'll have here for her that will include her friends and our close friends.....Going outside the norm and hosting the party on a Friday I think. Bonfire, relaxation.....considering June is jam packed with all sorts of things, it will be nice to have some of our friends out to kick back with and feel somewhat human for a night.

Our grandson is getting baptized this weekend...there is a small window this weekend for Pat and I to maybe have a nice dinner and enjoy some time just the two of us with no soccer obligations. Memorial weekend....ahhhhh, long weekend. Can't wait to just have a couple days.

In the midst of my mind going 2 thousand miles a minute, I stopped to remember something.....we have a vacation coming up in August! Wow, that seems like an eternity away! Of course we have a San Francisco trip coming up as well however Pat will have to spend a lot of time working during that trip but hey, it will allow me some time to collect my thoughts and relax for a few days. Am I excited about that trip???? I'll tell you a week before we leave cuz I don't have the damn time to even think about it! I'm in the process of discussing with my friend how to obtain tickets for the cheapest possible price cuz she knows these things...That's something else I've been doing...trying to figure out the trip, finances, and luggage situation....OMG.....is there really going to be an August this year??????? I certainly do hope so!

Another Mom's Day, just another day

Usually I get woken up to a hot breakfast in bed for Mom's Day....not this year though. And you know what? It was actually kind of a nice change. Although...LOL Seriously, no one is home except for GD #2. Our oldest doesn't live here anymore but will be over later, our other two are at their friends houses for a birthday party and church. So it's a quiet morning and a first in all the years that I've been a mom. Frankly, it's a great way for me to wake up on Mom's Day simply because it makes me realize what special children I do have and had they been here, I know they would have gone out of their way to decorate the house and make me a huge breakfast.

I did walk into the kitchen to a nice handmade Mother's Day card from GD#2. It's a king size card and held a message...look in the fridge for my gift. What did I find? I found a king size Reeses and a bottle of Diet Mt. Dew. I laughed at this, my kids know me very well. So regardless of the fact that I wasn't spoiled rotten this year, it's still going to be a great Mom's Day for me. Gardening, home with my family, cake and ice cream (to celebrate as a family) our daughter's 18th Birthday, which was on Friday, and just an all around feeling of love that eminates in this house...Thanks to my family.

As for all of the mom's out there in the cyber world????

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL MOM'S DAY AND TIME TO ENJOY THE PRECIOUS GIFTS THAT ARE OUR CHILDREN! Husband's/The fathers are just as precious, are responsible for teaching the kids what this day means to us moms so enjoy them too! Have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Growing pains

Our second oldest daughter attended her senior prom this past weekend. Gawd did she look stunning. I'm so relieved that she had a MUCH better time this year than last....last year was absolutely horrid for her.

Next is her graduation...man do they grow fast! Time with our two older daughters has just flown by.

It's a little depressing to post a picture of only part of our kids in this pose. For 18 years, it's been a unit of some sort...now suddenly, that unit is getting smaller right before our very eyes. One could say that I'm a little saddened by this.

It was easy for me to send them off to Kindergarten, exciting and a huge step. But at that time, I knew they would be home in a few short hours telling me their cute little stories about how they drew this picture or that picture. And dealing with their little friend problems that were so easy to conquer.

Now as our older one plans her wedding and our second is making her college plans, I find myself at a loss....a loss in my heart. I've never clung to my kids, I've always wanted them to spread their wings and experience life and I still do. But a certain wrench on my heart is suddenly rearing it's ugly head and making me a bit teary-eyed tonight. We talk to our oldest nearly everyday through text messages or on facebook, but it's not the same.

Our second oldest grew homesick this weekend being gone all weekend with prom and then dress shopping with our oldest for the wedding. And I missed her like crazy and was dying to know how her prom night was...I never did find out until today after work.

There's a big difference between now and kindergarten. Watching these children grow up and helping them through all their struggles every single day for 18+ years of their life, being the ones that they look to for answers or advice. Never in a million years would those who know how nonchalant I've been all these years believe this post. In fact I'm sure they will even leave me a comment giving me a bit of grief if they come and read this. I've never been sentimental about my kids growing and am not really sure where it's coming from.

Perhaps it's the realization that it's very possible that next year I will only be taking photos of our two younger ones in such poses, or that our youngest daughter will be starting the end of her young school days in her first year of high school next year and no older sibling to watch over her. Our son will enter middle school in two years...all by himself with no big sisters to protect him. The thought terrifies me! Why? I just don't know.

Our two older girls are tough and very capable of mouthing off at any given time to anyone who messes with them or their siblings, our younger two are sensitive and because they're the younger two, have always had someone looking over their shoulder even though they hate every minute of it.

Call me a whiner, I don't care. Just feeling a tinge of pain tonight as I look at the pictures from our daughter's prom.

WHY????

The obsession with Sarah Palin's daughter from the left continues! Larry King, what the hell business is it of his to know WHERE sex took place in the Palin home. I'm surprised he didn't ask how and what position...good grief.

And also, is it me or does it seem as though King is trying to provoke some sort of custody dispute over the baby? I watched the video and Johnston clearly states that he likes the family, that he can go see the baby but just can't right now because it's uncomfortable for HIM.

It sure is interesting to read all the various articles about this and see just how the media hypes and inflates stories and turns them into filth! As for King? Get a life already!

I am NORMAL!

Lets just say that yesterday was horrid! It was a good thing I decided to take the day off otherwise things could have gotten ugly. The one year anniversary has passed. Although I do worry how Friday will be.

The year of firsts has been awful! At about 8:45 yesterday morning, a few moments before my father breathed his final breath one year ago, I started having problems breathing, I started panicking, I started crying uncontrollably while looking at the blue bird house my father made and gave to me many years ago. It wasn't something that happened from looking at this birdhouse...it was like a wave had washed over me and knocked me into reality for the first time in a year. Numbness and withdrawal have been the only existence for me except it's been at an all time high this past couple months. It was the strangest and most painful thing. All the pain of a year ago had just come flooding back into my heart. Differently though...perhaps it's the finality setting in.

So, this emotional breakdown lasted for about 45 minutes with a small break in there long enough to bring my little man to school for the day....at one point, I stopped because something in me clicked....the realization that it is in fact real, that it is in fact final and there is no nightmare or joke or even my imagination thinking the worst as it's so prone to doing. It's all been real....all the pain, all the tears, all the memories from those two weeks in the hospital.

I bet you're all saying, "DUH!" LeAnn.....well, if you're not, I am.

Death of one so dear to us. As I said in my last post, IT HURTS! It sends you into an abyss of utter helplessness and dark and deep sadness. One in which no matter how much you try to get out of, there is just no light. Every once in awhile there's a crack of light where laughter emerges but overall, the emotional fingers ache from trying to claw out of this funk. The mentality is just screaming enough is enough, just let me get out of hell and let me be normal. But I know that will never be again, sadly.

This is a morbid post, but hey, I've been pretty morbid. I've read up on the old mourning process because I have feared that I've fallen into a deep depression...I read after my previous post because of how I've been feeling this year. What I learned from the six or so articles I read is that I have been experiencing is all normal. It's all nearly verbatim to what I've been writing off and on. I've been handling it well, been dealing with it well...although, I can't say that I feel as though I've been dealing with things all that well. Talk about feeling a little bit of relief to learn that I am not loony and clinically depressed.

So, yes, there has been a cork put on my happiness, there has been moments where I have written posts and only saved them because they were so dark and personal, there have been moments where I feel that if I ran away things would get a little better...but in the end, I just know that no one can make this hurt go away but me. The support has been amazing, the love and hugs have been overwhelming but in the end, the pain just won't go away.

I read a really outrageous headline today...it was called "Fatties Cause Global Warming" or something close to that. I actually belly laughed at that one because the lengths that people will go to for this whole global warming issue are just insane and very callous in my opinion. What asinine jerks to title an article that way!
But the point of telling you that is that I do hope I've leapt over a very tall hurdle with the year having been and gone. I do know that the pain will always be with me but I also know that I've been denying things and pretending that it's just a bad nightmare and pretending that I'm just great and accepting of the fact that people die. In the end, I've only been denying myself the opportunity to hurt, and to absorb...which I have learned is normal.

So, please celebrate with me as I jump for joy over the fact that I'm NORMAL! That is a huge discovery for me.

Thanks again to all of you for all your support and patience with me through this very painful process. There is an attempt at SOME humor in this post but whether it came through or not, well, lets just say I'm a little out of practice with that whole concept!

A new beginning

At a loss for words these days. Many life altering, sad, exciting, jaw dropping things have happened over this last year. My desire to write at this blog has been MIA. Sadly, I can't seem to find that anymore.

I often wonder if I'm on emotional overload and my system is recharging. Or if I will ever feel 'happy' again. I am not clinically depressed, let me just straighten that out right this minute. No way, no how, never. I know me well enough to know that I am just in a spot in life where many things have come to question.

LIFE....the biggest question.

I've experienced a very deep loss but have also experienced a very joyous birth this last year. Talk about messing with the mojo! Yes, the one year anniversary is quickly approaching already and this past year has been quite foggy with me. I turned 40 in December and I wasn't even phased by it....just another damn day and an additional year added is all.

In this last year there has been a lot of reflection, a lot of observation of my children, a lot of silence on my part. I look at my kids differently now, I look at my mom differently, I look at my marriage so much deeper and differently and mostly, I reflect on all those times that we can never get back...like the 5 minutes ago when I started this blubbering.

What really is the meaning in our life, what impact has my existence had? What purpose have I served in this world? It's really quite amazing to see things from this perspective...that silent, invisible hand of reality comes from no where and smacks ya and 'Wham!', everything is so different.

I can't say I've become a better person or a better wife or a better friend or mom or daughter. In fact, because of all my reflecting and silence, I've kind of been lost in my own little world working hard to figure so much out. It's been an interesting journey, one filled with some challenging moments.

There have been things lurking inside of me for a year that I am finally starting to work through and talk with Pat about. Things that I didn't even know existed. This whole mourning process is quite the kicker. Never in a million years would I have imagined the impact it would make on my self, my heart, my soul, my mind. All the morbid thoughts, the fleeting dreams, the anxiety, the unexpected and unstoppable tears suddenly wetting my cheeks without even a sting...free flowing.

This post isn't really about the loss but about the recovery. The human spirit is so damn resilient. The loss is great and painful as hell. The loneliness and emptiness is unbearable at times, but it's at those times that I think the most healing occurs. Oddly enough, it's like breaking a small part of a dam to let the water flow freely. But the dumb river is as wide and expansive as the oceans on some days.

With this post, I am removing some large branches from that dam. It's harsh when I realize just how easy it's been to look only towards the sadness and the negative; how simple it's been to enjoy the happy moments only briefly just to allow myself to turn back to the black cloud that's been hovering over my head this year. It's those tears of sadness that are actually a doorway to finding some happiness, comfort, and some peace....

Happy Easter All

Quick blip to wish all my blogger friends and family a very HAPPY EASTER! Hope everyone enjoys their day and time with family!

I think I can, I think I can.....

Keepin' up is like watching those greyhounds chase that fake rabbit around the race track. Ever feel like that? Well I certainly do!!! Holy moly!

First off....GD2 is a rugby player. All I can say is I don't know how my girls got so tough but each and every one of them has that desire to play in rough sports. Anyway, on Sunday her team participated in a three game tournament....they won all three games and took home the trophy! The best part of this is that this is the first year there has been a rugby team in our county...they are all a bunch of pups learning the ropes yet kicking the butts of those more experienced. She just returned home with the news of yet another win and man, the excitement on her face is priceless! The photos to the left are obviously from her games but the bottom one is her on the far left with that beaming grin. She was a good soccer player...played hard but in the end, the other girls on the team ended up being the end of that career for her. She dearly misses soccer and only a few months ago said she wanted to do something before her graduation. Which leads me to the next exhausting task....

A graduation party...well, two actually. It's a long complicated thing that I won't get into here but there is a good reason for two.....enough said on that. Oh, lets not forget her 18th birthday is coming up in a few weeks as well.....lets just say that May will be busy and we do have to find time to go opening fishing with our friends....nothing will stand in the way of that, I can guarantee that!!!!!!

Ok, so YESTERDAY our oldest...GD1.... announced that her and her fiance have decided on a wedding date. May 14th of next year. So the planning has also begun for that. And today she told me that a baptism is set up for the wee one on May 24...Can things get a little more complicated????

GD3 will be celebrating her 14th b-day in July but lets not forget that soccer season will be starting in a couple weeks too. 3 nights of soccer every week plus practices.....oh, and lets not leave out time for fishing. We got a boat now....


Thankfully, our son is giving us a breather but I just had to post these pics of him in his 'shenanigans' hat...

Things........

So life has been moving at super speed for us lately. Can't keep up with it most days. Work, kids, errands, workshops, parties....Calgon, take me away.

A few weeks ago, we celebrated our sons 10th birthday. Had a bowling party with 7 other boys. Wow was that an adventure. We haven't had a b-day party for our kids in quite a few years. I used to go hog wild for their parties, I now know why I stopped. Exhausting. Truth be told? We had a lot of fun and our son was overjoyed.

This past Saturday we had a baby shower. About 50 people showed up all told. I have to say...I am overjoyed that it's over. The stress leading up to that day was more than I like to feel. Couldn't sleep, cranky.....ugh. But the party was a huge success and all those who helped out I have a VERY BIG THANK YOU FOR! We had it at my moms.

It was strange but yet, I shouldn't be surprised with my siblings. The day I called my mom to ask her if she wanted to host the shower at her place was the day I seemed to not have to lift much of a finger. Honestly, I was a bit irritated at times because Pat and I had planned on doing most of the work that needed to be done but each time I would call my mom, this was already done, that was completed, this was moved, that was cleaned up, this was taken care of.....I guess I should know better eh? LOL We are very appreciative for all the hard work that was put into this to make it a success for our daughter, her fiance, and our grandson.....oh, hey, I neglected to mention that our daughter is now engaged! Woohoo!!!!!! No date yet but plans are in the making! They are all doing great and working hard to make a family and a life....couldn't be more proud of them!

So much has been going on in our lives lately that I cannot even keep up anymore. I'm exhausted. Pat's exhausted. We're just dying to go fishing again...some peace and quiet will be so nice. Soccer season is gearing up rapidly. Our two younger ones are both on traveling teams as usual and we are really excited for that to start even though it drains so much of our time. But it's great to sit on the sidelines and watch the kids progress.

In the midst of all the busy though looms a certain darkness. The one year anniversary is quickly approaching...thoughts of my father have been fogging my happy thoughts, the 6th of April marks the beginning of his struggles to the end. Tears have been coming and going, moods have been messed up, sleep has been little....sometimes I feel that it will be harder to approach this day than it was to see the progression only a year ago.

Hopefully though, once this hurdle is met, things will even out and it won't be so difficult in the future. The blessings in our life right now..our strong marriage, our new grandson, our kids growing, and thriving, health, our jobs...those things I am forever grateful for. For distracting my thoughts, for just being. The loss is much greater than I anticipated, the adjustment much harder than I thought...one day at a time....