Friday, April 25, 2008

I will always look up to you

Well, it's over. Or it's just begun. At least what was the wrapping up of what has been--a whirlwind two, almost three weeks. I cannot say how I am feeling right now, feeling as though I'm walking in a fog. My heart is still very heavy, my head very jumbled, my body very tired.

I am so very sad. I have never experienced a loss so close to me so these emotions are really a stranger to me. I feel as though I may never get out of this funk, never know what it is to be normal or functional again. But at the same time know that this will pass and it will make me a different sort of person...

As with everything in life, this too will make a new mold of me, teach me things about myself and those around me. My father was an incredible man and I'm sure this is said by most about their parents. Hearing all the stories about him, knowing what I know about him but mostly, the outpouring of friends and family that loved him.

The amount of people who came to his wake to pay their respects was overwhelming. He knew so very many people and each of them said in different ways how he touched their lives. But the most prominent things that every last person there spoke about were his laughter...his smile...and his ability to make jokes. The man...I just cannot even put into words his impact on all of us, it's overwhelming for me to try.

I posted this picture of him and I. Since I was a little girl, it has always touched me, been one of my favorite photos with my dad. My father loved his babies, he loved his grandchildren and his great grandchildren. Any child. All the numerous pictures I and my siblings have are of him with children. Holding them, cuddling them, sleeping with them...God he loved kids. He just loved period.

Kissing him goodbye yesterday was so very difficult. Knowing that it will be the last time I will ever get to touch him, to kiss him and to physically see him...

I know that I'm probably not making much sense with this post, that it's sad and for that I apologize...I just need to re acclimate, re adjust, learn how to walk through my days without my father's presence. It will get better, it will get easier but right now....

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