I have determined in the last hour or so that my blog will probably be pretty depressing over the next week or so. Or it could be less so...but either way, I won't be posting much about news or happy things as I mourn the loss of my dear father.
Amazing how up and down the emotions have been today. I must say that it's been a pretty rough one. My brother returned home safely from Kosovo. He is doing about as good as can be expected. It was so nice to hug him, something I have been aching to do for 2 weeks. I broke down balling in his arms yet told myself that I wouldn't do that...
It's so easy to believe that we can be strong but so hard to actually do it. I had to go purchase some clothing for the funeral today. It hit me pretty hard why I was buying them while I was trying them on. I looked at what I had picked out and WHAM...I needed to get out of the store. How could I be so concerned about how I look for such a sad occasion? How could I be worried about what my dad would think of the clothing I picked out for his new journey? How could I be shopping a day after he left? How could I decide what would be appropriate for such an occasion....my father....his funeral....Since then I have been a wreck. Sad, melancholy, confused, angry, talkative at moments, frustrated, happy for him, sad for my mom, hurt for my brother...
I don't like all these emotions...how they just suddenly creep up on me. I don't like that I have no control over what might rear it's ugly head next.
Pat and I stopped at a jeweler to pick up a St. Christopher medal for our son. My father wore his everyday...even in his hospital bed. That chain around his neck was always a presence. I promised our son that we would buy him one just like Grandpa's and that I would find a picture of Grandpa for him to have close to him. Our son liked this idea so it was done.
I sat here on our couch tonight and looked at the photos we had here. I have some as recent as last June...it made me think about how this has just got to be a dream...a horrible, horrible dream. Ugh....While I want this week to end and the events that lie ahead, I so don't want them to begin.
The usually mundane life that we all lead with the occasional thought of time passing by and people that we love getting older, I guess the thought of this was always just a thought...one that told me that I had plenty of time, plenty of preparation, and plenty of strength. I may very well have THOUGHT I prepared myself with my father having health issues over the last few years but I am now sure that no matter how much I strengthen my emotions over morbid thoughts that the pain that is within was not something I thought to prepare my heart for. Silly me...how naive I still am even at the age I'm at.
Please bear with me while I vent at my blog, while I put into words my sorrows and while I try to readjust to a life without my dad there to give me crap; for not answering my phone; picking on me for silly things that were always sure to make us pick fun at each other while we laughed and seen who could say the meanest thing to each other and who would end up giving up. At this point, I think we were pretty even though...there was no winner...just a lot of laughs and good jabs at one another. People who know my father know exactly what I'm talking about.
I'm sure that eventually I will post some memories but more sadness is to come...this much I know about myself...the coming days are going to be extremely difficult and blogging is my way of expressing.
See, I'm a mess today...can't seem to find a way in which to end this post...so on that note.............
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