Ok, I must write a lot, sorry, I must vent about things that I cannot pinpoint. Perhaps that will not be the case when I'm done here. Since December 17th, this most recent one, the Anniversary of the day that boy was hit by a car directly in front of me, I have been having inklings of anxiety, ones in which I've been unaware of actually. Boy, that subconscious really can be a sneaky thing.
It seems that every year that day creeps up on me now, since the accident and really, when I say 'creeps', I mean creeps. I hadn't thought about it since last year on the very same day!
So, driving home from the store that day at 2:16 pm, I looked at my cell phone. I don't know why, I just pulled it out of my pocket, perhaps to see if my kids had texted me since whenever I go to the store, they always need something. But I noticed the date first and the boys name clicked in my head..."today is the day, 5 years ago, that he was killed..." and I then noticed the time. Call me a liar all you want but it was at that time that the accident occurred as well. Eerie and sad and I said a little prayer for him and the woman who hit him. It was a traumatic experience I guess for it to still haunt me all these years later.
Of course, I must note that, as one doc told me about 6 1/2 years ago, I have an oversympathetic heart which causes me much greif in life really. I always say I'm a nervous ninny...well, I am. And when P heard that definition for me, he laughed and said, "Man, that's an understatement". And really, it makes much sense, if one were to know me in real life.
Add to the stress of trying to put the accident out of sight, Christmas comes and as everyone knows, it's more stress. 3 days later, our oldest daughter has her swearing in. Where am I going with all of this?
Well, I guess I can handle the memory of the boy, although it still haunts me, it's fading, and the usual stress of Christmas. But my kid, I've been holding up pretty good with that one too until that day arrived and then I think the world came tumbling down on me unexpectedly! Lets just say the last few days have been hell on my way of life!
I guess the magnitude of what is happening with our daughter never really sunk in, it was all just her, talking, never something we thought would happen yet knew in our hearts and minds was inevitable. I have no regrets for her choice, nor do I feel that she has made a grave mistake. I am so damn proud of her it hurts! Which is why I'm having such a hard time figuring out why in God's name these last few days have been so difficult! Yet, I do know.
Somehow, the aura in our home is different now. One would like to believe that our children will always be under our wings, that they will always need us and depend on only us. I have never feared them growing up and leaving us, I have always looked forward to them spreading their own wings, experiencing a life like I myself have. Not all great but man, I love life! It has so much to offer in just a little tiny space, if that makes any sense. Yeah, I moan and groan a lot about this and that but inside of me I am as happy, content, and proud as I can be with the cards that have been dealt! And there is nothing I would change in my time here so far. Living and learning has always appealed to me and it's what I believe for my kids as well.
Next on the list is our second oldest, nicknamed Janis Joplin long ago by our dear friend...straight A student looking into college, 4.0 gpa, and taking honors classes. She says she wants to go far away from home but the funny thing is is she is looking just around the corner. The very last place I would have expected as she is our very sophisticated daughter who loves money, nice things, and is usually quite serious about life.
Whatever will I do when its time to send her away? Jeez, and here I thought it wouldn't be all that difficult, once I stop trying to fool myself, then perhaps I can pinpoint this unhinged stress that lurks in me...Duh, I already know, but like I said, I must stop trying to convince myself that this is just so damn easy because frankly, IT'S NOT!!! UGH!!!
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