Monday, April 26, 2010

It's complicated

What a whirlwind week last week was. I had said in my last post that year two wasn't nearly as, I don't think I could have been further from the truth. I cannot count how many times I've cried in the last 5 days...Perhaps I have never dealt with the death, perhaps I don't allow myself to talk about it with people because I don't want to come off needy or like I'm dwelling...all I know is Pat had his hands full with me last week and over the weekend and he endured it all and came out on the other side with a love note stashed in my crossword book last night. God has blessed me with a great, great husband!

Pat said something to me on the 20th that really hit me. I was laying there crying in his arms about how I was in shock at how difficult things have been. In fact, while my mind was preparing and my heart was slowly sinking this month, there was no preparedness for last week. It snuck up on me like a little mouse and turned into a damn lion! Oh, but what Pat said to me that made me stop crying briefly--the first year we spent feeling numb, learning to accept it; now it's been two years and that numbness is gone and the reality is is that life moved on without my father...we have lived for two years without his presence and that in and of itself just hit home...are the feelings I'm having of guilt for living without him? Are they utter sadness that his laughter doesn't seep through the phone lines? Whatever it is, it felt like he died all over again.

If this is mourning I don't want it anymore! I told Pat I wanted to erase April from the calendar after this year because it's been so damn difficult. Add to that my confusion as to why its been so difficult and LeAnn has been one big fat mess!!!

Now, as the 24th passed, the weight in my chest has begun to slowly lift. I'm angry and frustrated with myself for having such a bad month, I'm angry that I let it consume me, and I'm most angry that my husband has to work so hard to help me through this! I'm not normally so weak but since two years ago, I'm just not my normal self. Although I know Pat lives to take care of me, as any man would say, those damn emotions!!!!! They aren't so excited to have to deal with them all the time...

This post may be depressing but for the moment, it's what I good vent session! Thanks to my husband, my kids, and M for being there for me! I can't say I'm all that receptive or even all that great at being the one needing the shoulder but I can say that these are the people who are able to see that I'm not as strong as I want everyone to believe. It's much much easier to help others and to hide my true self...but I'd have to is these people I mention who have taken the time to dig that person out!

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