Pat and I went away for the weekend AND attended the Chicago/Vikings game on Sunday. (Thanks R & R) All that sounds like a great time ... hmmm, I beg to differ on that because of...well, if you've read my previous posts you know. The weekend away was to be a moment to forget, a moment to feel normal...Well...it started that way and it was really nice to be with my hubby...then on Saturday, I read the paper and there was a small blip about a car accident and a teen dying. The name didn't register at that time, I was skimming and briefly sad for yet another loss on Highway 8 of a young life....a couple hours later, our daughter called knowing that she should only call if there was something urgent....
The girl who died....she was one of the kids I did daycare for only a few years ago. It was after that phone call that I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown...I shut down. Too much for my human emotions to handle. At a certain point, the wall that I created to try to help my friends, crumbled, and I found myself lost.
What I'm most used to with daycare kids from my past is meeting up with them at the bar or running into them at the store....never to read about them in the paper. Daycare kids...regardless of how little time they came to my home, the moment they stepped their first little foot in my door, they always managed to find a way into my heart...smiles, the way they talked, the way they played house, the way they tried to throw their weight around to get what they wanted...a flip of the hair, the color of their eyes, their spunk and spirit-- The mom and I were friends before daycare was even considered. The idea of her and the father having to deal with this loss....I just groan every time I think of it.
Seeing them tonight, trying so very hard to be strong while those lines of pain and anguish riddled their faces...it was awful. The funeral of children....there were so many people there, so many of this girls friends....and there was a line a mile long and the parking lot full of people driving around hoping for a spot to open. School teachers, another of my old daycare kids who was this little girls "boyfriend" when they both attended my daycare....he was my first thought when I learned of this whole tragedy...and he looked beaten and numb.
The last week has really been shitty! Overwhelming, painful, heartbreaking, stressful, and unbearable at times......
Regardless of the fact that my own father died a year and a half ago, the death of another reminds me just how much pain I still carry of his loss, how much I truly miss him, and it envelops me like a glove...I'm really lucky to have my family to recognize this in me, to know what triggers my sadness and my distance. I have a great husband and wonderful kids....they have been here for me, they have been here to pick me up and have seen the toll the last week has been taking on me. My strength has faltered and it is them who have come to my side to ask if I'm ok, who make me smile, who tell me they love me and who have listened to me while I sort out the emotions that have been spinning around like a hurricane in my head and my heart. It is them I will remember when I come out of this haze, when I feel somewhat normal again.
Thank you all so very much P, D, J, C, and B!
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