Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A new beginning

At a loss for words these days. Many life altering, sad, exciting, jaw dropping things have happened over this last year. My desire to write at this blog has been MIA. Sadly, I can't seem to find that anymore.

I often wonder if I'm on emotional overload and my system is recharging. Or if I will ever feel 'happy' again. I am not clinically depressed, let me just straighten that out right this minute. No way, no how, never. I know me well enough to know that I am just in a spot in life where many things have come to question.

LIFE....the biggest question.

I've experienced a very deep loss but have also experienced a very joyous birth this last year. Talk about messing with the mojo! Yes, the one year anniversary is quickly approaching already and this past year has been quite foggy with me. I turned 40 in December and I wasn't even phased by it....just another damn day and an additional year added is all.

In this last year there has been a lot of reflection, a lot of observation of my children, a lot of silence on my part. I look at my kids differently now, I look at my mom differently, I look at my marriage so much deeper and differently and mostly, I reflect on all those times that we can never get the 5 minutes ago when I started this blubbering.

What really is the meaning in our life, what impact has my existence had? What purpose have I served in this world? It's really quite amazing to see things from this perspective...that silent, invisible hand of reality comes from no where and smacks ya and 'Wham!', everything is so different.

I can't say I've become a better person or a better wife or a better friend or mom or daughter. In fact, because of all my reflecting and silence, I've kind of been lost in my own little world working hard to figure so much out. It's been an interesting journey, one filled with some challenging moments.

There have been things lurking inside of me for a year that I am finally starting to work through and talk with Pat about. Things that I didn't even know existed. This whole mourning process is quite the kicker. Never in a million years would I have imagined the impact it would make on my self, my heart, my soul, my mind. All the morbid thoughts, the fleeting dreams, the anxiety, the unexpected and unstoppable tears suddenly wetting my cheeks without even a flowing.

This post isn't really about the loss but about the recovery. The human spirit is so damn resilient. The loss is great and painful as hell. The loneliness and emptiness is unbearable at times, but it's at those times that I think the most healing occurs. Oddly enough, it's like breaking a small part of a dam to let the water flow freely. But the dumb river is as wide and expansive as the oceans on some days.

With this post, I am removing some large branches from that dam. It's harsh when I realize just how easy it's been to look only towards the sadness and the negative; how simple it's been to enjoy the happy moments only briefly just to allow myself to turn back to the black cloud that's been hovering over my head this year. It's those tears of sadness that are actually a doorway to finding some happiness, comfort, and some peace....

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