Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Lets just say that yesterday was horrid! It was a good thing I decided to take the day off otherwise things could have gotten ugly. The one year anniversary has passed. Although I do worry how Friday will be.

The year of firsts has been awful! At about 8:45 yesterday morning, a few moments before my father breathed his final breath one year ago, I started having problems breathing, I started panicking, I started crying uncontrollably while looking at the blue bird house my father made and gave to me many years ago. It wasn't something that happened from looking at this birdhouse...it was like a wave had washed over me and knocked me into reality for the first time in a year. Numbness and withdrawal have been the only existence for me except it's been at an all time high this past couple months. It was the strangest and most painful thing. All the pain of a year ago had just come flooding back into my heart. Differently though...perhaps it's the finality setting in.

So, this emotional breakdown lasted for about 45 minutes with a small break in there long enough to bring my little man to school for the day....at one point, I stopped because something in me clicked....the realization that it is in fact real, that it is in fact final and there is no nightmare or joke or even my imagination thinking the worst as it's so prone to doing. It's all been real....all the pain, all the tears, all the memories from those two weeks in the hospital.

I bet you're all saying, "DUH!" LeAnn.....well, if you're not, I am.

Death of one so dear to us. As I said in my last post, IT HURTS! It sends you into an abyss of utter helplessness and dark and deep sadness. One in which no matter how much you try to get out of, there is just no light. Every once in awhile there's a crack of light where laughter emerges but overall, the emotional fingers ache from trying to claw out of this funk. The mentality is just screaming enough is enough, just let me get out of hell and let me be normal. But I know that will never be again, sadly.

This is a morbid post, but hey, I've been pretty morbid. I've read up on the old mourning process because I have feared that I've fallen into a deep depression...I read after my previous post because of how I've been feeling this year. What I learned from the six or so articles I read is that I have been experiencing is all normal. It's all nearly verbatim to what I've been writing off and on. I've been handling it well, been dealing with it well...although, I can't say that I feel as though I've been dealing with things all that well. Talk about feeling a little bit of relief to learn that I am not loony and clinically depressed.

So, yes, there has been a cork put on my happiness, there has been moments where I have written posts and only saved them because they were so dark and personal, there have been moments where I feel that if I ran away things would get a little better...but in the end, I just know that no one can make this hurt go away but me. The support has been amazing, the love and hugs have been overwhelming but in the end, the pain just won't go away.

I read a really outrageous headline today...it was called "Fatties Cause Global Warming" or something close to that. I actually belly laughed at that one because the lengths that people will go to for this whole global warming issue are just insane and very callous in my opinion. What asinine jerks to title an article that way!
But the point of telling you that is that I do hope I've leapt over a very tall hurdle with the year having been and gone. I do know that the pain will always be with me but I also know that I've been denying things and pretending that it's just a bad nightmare and pretending that I'm just great and accepting of the fact that people die. In the end, I've only been denying myself the opportunity to hurt, and to absorb...which I have learned is normal.

So, please celebrate with me as I jump for joy over the fact that I'm NORMAL! That is a huge discovery for me.

Thanks again to all of you for all your support and patience with me through this very painful process. There is an attempt at SOME humor in this post but whether it came through or not, well, lets just say I'm a little out of practice with that whole concept!

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