Friday, April 11, 2008


As I sit in my house it seems I find myself trying furiously to become reacquainted with what was just a reality about 6 days ago. Homework, children, chores, etc are all the last thing I have had on my mind this week.

My dad is still in the hospital. The day I wrote last, things were very up in the air. Today, well, I can't say that much more has been learned while at the same time many things have been learned.

My dad had heart failure due to calcium build up in the middle artery of his heart. Last Saturday/early Sunday moring he was ambulanced to the hospital with difficulty breathing. The following day, we all just thought it was perhaps the same sort of episode he experienced before and since he was chipper on the phone and being his old self, our guard was down. He seemed well, ate like a horse for dinner and was feeling good.

Sunday night is when things just started going terribly wrong. One of my sisters was in the room with him and he wanted to sit up a little. She helped him to sit up and then a nurse came in and adjusted him a little more and he experienced some pain and he was having difficulty breathing. It was at this point that the breathing tube was placed in him and he was placed in an induced coma.

The docs have since explained many things to us...his kidneys are only working at 15% due to his diabetes, the breathing problems were due to fluid build up from the clogged artery--somehow it was separating from his heart and leaking fluids into his lungs. Basically, his organs are in distress.

He was removed from the breathing machine a couple days ago, has been awake and talking but he is very weak and tired. He has been joking here and there with us but it takes a lot for him to talk let alone joke around.

Thankfully he's been able to talk to my brother in Kosovo a couple of times since the procedure on Monday. My brother is having a very hard time with this being alone and I am so very sad and worried for him and feel so damn helpless because I can only text him so much information and do so without trying to freak him out. My heart is very heavy.

We are in the waiting phases of things at this point. Due to the angiogram, they had to inject dye into his system which could have, on that day caused a heart attack because his heart is weak and we are awaiting to see if in fact that dye did any more damage to his kidneys. The angiogram was done on Monday or Tuesday? I am very lost in my days right now and things are a blur but I believe it was on Tuesday?

I cannot begin to tell you all how very sad that morning was for all of us. A priest came in to say the 'Annointing of the Sick' prayer and many of us lost it. It was horrible and I just cannot even think about it now without wanting to break down in a convulsion of tears.

My mind is all over the place. We have horrible weather now, my son is sick with a fever and a cough so I am home today to take care of him and am terrified of my phone ringing with more news. Every time my phone rings, my heart races, I panic and I just don't even want to answer it.

We found out this morning that my dad had a pretty rough night last night. He was put back on the catheter and is very tired. He had a rough day yesterday...due to the weather he had numerous visitors, the docs have started some therapy to get him up and moving again...he is just weak.

I apologize that this post is so morbid, so erratic. My heart is very much so that I can feel it's weight in my chest. My stomach is in knots, my mind is a jumbled mess and it dawns on me every so often that life goes on. Even as I scream inside....

My dad is my anchor, my mom is my shining star. The two of them this week have been going through hell and there isn't a single thing that I can do to take away all their own thoughts, worries, pains, fears...NOTHING.

I can only continue to pray, to tell them that I love them, and to reassure my mom that we are ok that she need not worry about us kids...

Ugh, I'm just rambling now but figure its something I must need to do..please keep my mom and dad in your prayers as they endure the many emotions...that is the best I think I can do for them at this point......

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