I apologize but I must write about my first day of freedom! It was absolutely amazing! For the first time ever, since I have had my own kids, I was able to take one of my children to school this morning without having to load up other children. AND, I was able to take my time, visit with his teacher, visit with the principal, and able to set up a time later in the day to come in and bring my little boy's snake in for show-n-tell.
It used to be that I would drop my kids off on those rare mornings where they would miss the bus and every fiber of me felt guilt as they would look at the daycare kids in my van, look at me and slump their shoulders and walk into school. And they did do this, they knew how to pull my heart strings.
Of course they would always ask to just stay home and I, being strict about the importance of school, would make them go. But the guilt? Man, I was bathed in guilt for most of the day but I tried very hard not to let them see that. Always put on a happy face, gave them their hugs and kisses, told them to have a great day and to try not to work too hard. Which would usually put a small little smirk on their face. And I would sit there as they disappeared into the school.
But today? As I sat in the visitors rocking chair as the kids did their science lesson, I would look over at my son and there is just no way in hell that I will ever forget how he beamed at me, how everytime I would glance at him his eyes sparkled and the smile never completely faded. I'm sure too that because the lesson the teacher chose to do was centered around him and his pet snake...she even had his name on the top of the sheet the kids were filling out.
It has been a rare instance where I was able to ever attend one of my kids' field trips let alone visit in the classroom. I think of all four of my kids, I attended one for each in the last 12 years, not including my son. Pat is usually the one to go because it's always been important to us that we try to be there for them for two or three of them.
I just can't put down in words the feelings I have inside of me. Daycare is/was a great way to be home with my kids. But it was very difficult too. My kids have had to share me with so many other kids, and many times I felt those pangs of anger or bitterness from them. And I can't blame them, it was hard on me too, trying to imagine their feelings was something I had to force myself not to do because I knew that this was the best way in which to do things. Putting my own kids in daycare was just not really an option for Pat or myself.
I know that eventually I will have a full time job again but until that moment, I'm going to soak up all that I can in these short few weeks of freedom, of just being a mom and a wife. For all those out there who stay home with your kids and are able to just be, man, you are so very lucky. If all I have is but a brief time in which to feel this euphoric high, then I will take it and run.
After all, it's freedom baaay-baaay!
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