I can't tell you

Friday, September 23, 2005

As life passes by and my children grow before my eyes, it truly amazes me how when something that occurs in my daughter's lives, it brings me back to those younger years.

It has been a very trying week for hubby and myself. A week of nausea, shock, and complete frustration and confusion.

One thinks that as a parent, all the bases are covered, that we can be ready for just about anything. But then suddenly, something that one would never even think about drops on you like a piano from a tenth story window. Like a steel toed boot hauls off and slams you right in the very pit of your stomach. And you suffer for days with a million thoughts rushing frantically around your head like a fever dream.

There have been many moments in the last 3 days that all of these things have occured, that I have struggled to breathe, struggled to stand, struggled to think, and struggled to keep from completely falling to the ground crying uncontrolably simply because I didn't have the answers, didn't know what to do, felt guilt, shame, pain, fear, worry...helpless.

I apologize profusely as I cannot divulge the information that has been handed to us but need to write, I feel the need to write! My kids are all safe, healthy, not pregnant, not in any trouble with the law, and things have finally been digested somewhat.

The sick feeling that I have in the pit of my stomach comes and goes. This is something that I can only relate to in a small way. And that way is simply, I was a teenage girl once. But that is as far as I can seem to think. As a parent now, the only feeling I have is that of complete and utter sadness, unable to bring myself back to that time when life was so simple, so fun, so full of laughter.

Hubby and I are going to go out tonight and shoot some darts and have a couple of beers. Perhaps forget for just a little time. It will be some time before this wave of waste passes through our lives.

I am just really thankful for my instincts, for that gut feeling that a mom feels when something just isn't right with one of the kids. Those instincts that are so often underestimated by every one of us. Had I forgotten to do what I had done or had I just pushed that little voice out of my head, there is just no telling what may have come from what has become the fire that burns in the pits of our stomaches.

It is the laughter I hear in the background that I find peace in. My kids having farting contests, singing to their cell phone rings, my son talking about butts or yelling at eachother that makes me feel some relief that the right thing was done. It is that reminder that I too was once that carefree and that for a child, well, they move on, they mend. Something that adults don't seem to comprehend once they are parents.

Written by louie0768 .