I Believe.....

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Although I am not religious nor do I go to church, I do believe in God. I do believe that things happen for a reason.

I believe that I was given my husband because he would make me stronger, help me to get through those very rough times. I believe that God gave me a strong marriage because he saw that I would have to endure many hardships emotionally and I do believe that he made the perfect choice for me. I believe that God gave me Patrick because he would be loyal to me as my friend, a husband; that he wouldn't stab me in the back as so many have.

I believe in fairy tales, that there is a prince charming, and a love that conquers all and mostly I believe that I have found that. I believe in happy endings, love at first sight, and marriage.

I believe that I became pregnant with my first child at a young age because it woke me up and made me stop doing the damaging things that I was doing to myself such as drinking, drugs and partying hard. I believe that my last pregnancy with my son was a blessing bestowed upon my husband and myself at a time when we were trying to convince ourselves that we were done having babies.

We had three wonderful little girls who filled our lives with flowers, sweetness and the gentleness that only a little girl could bring. I ached for a little boy for years but finally squashed that hope and I believe that God felt my desire and gave us a surprise-our precious son and the whole time I was fighting the idea of being pregnant. I believe the guilt that I felt for 2 years after his birth at not wanting another baby is my punishment for trying to stop what turned out to be my only son. And I accept that guilt, I deserve that guilt.

I believe that I have 4 wonderfully happy, beautiful, healthy children because Patrick and I are supposed to battle other unknowns and that we need that strength to fight our emotions, to fight our pain, to fight our frustrations. I believe that one day the sun will shine and it will shine bright.

Things happen for a reason and I will be the one who spends every waking moment trying to figure out why things continue to happen in mine and Pat's lives. I think that I have figured out only a couple and have a looooooong way to go to figure out the numerous other things that have plagued our life together.

But there is one thing I am certain of and that is that no matter how alone one may think they are, a surprising email will come or a knock on the door or a phone call will come and it opens ones eyes.

There is a couple out here in j-land, and you know who you are, who have been a great support system and someone that I admire and look to for a pick-me-up who sent me an email today and really surprised me and made me realize that Pat and I are not alone. And I want to thank you for helping me to believe that somehow, somewhere there are others out there who give a damn.

Thank you!!!

Written by louie0768 .