Sunday, June 12, 2005
I have fallen victim once again to voicing my angry opinions and getting wrapped up in things that really hit a sore spot in me.
Politics, world stuff. They bring out the bad in me. I admit it.
So once again, I am here to get out of my funk.
The reason I think I am so sour the last week or so is because of a few things.
We visited my brother last weekend, the one in the military. Him and I had quite a long talk about the possibility of him being shipped out in August of this year. He has assured me that he will come home for his twin daughter's graduation and would rather leave now instead of a year from now.
His wife is my friend. But she is scared as we all are. She is very against the war and doesn't like to think about my brother leaving her with their 4 kids. I don't blame her though. She has put up with him being in the military for a very long time. Week long trips, every other weekend, etc. She has hung in there through it all. I simply don't know how military wives do it and remain so strong through it all.
Right now he is in Texas getting physical training preparing to go to Iraq. It is like some sort of a test. While we were at their house, he was supposed to be writing up reports and was very nervous about passing this test being that he is 40 years old and thinks he is out of shape. He looks great though, has lost quite a bit of weight since January and is sporting some muscle.
He is afraid to fail because if he fails, he will not be able to go to Iraq. He may also lose his job.
His unit of troops that he has trained are currently there and he wants to be there for them. They are his second family is what he has told me many times. He said they are like his own kids because he was the one who trained them and prepared them to go. They were all very scared but also very ready to go. My brother said that they wanted him to be there with them, to help them to cope in the rough times. He was in tears when they left.
A few visits ago, my brother asked Pat and I if we would take care of his kids if anything were to happen. He named us the guardians of his kids and the executors of their trust. The denial crept up inside of me saying that he won't need us to do that for him, that everything will be ok. I spoke these words and he looked at me and said, "LeAnn, will you do this for me. Can I count on you?!" I told him 'Of course I will.'
We get home from our trip last weekend and I find some disturbing things about the military, being bad mouthed, being accused of heinous things and it just came at the wrong time.
I have said that I don't like war but that I also understand that it is unavoidable. Things happen that cannot be fixed unless a fight is pursued. Look at how we all spar back and forth on the computer and fight for what we believe in.
Knowing that my brother may leave scares the hell out of me. But that doesn't mean that I am automatically against this war.
In our talk he comforted me with the words, "LeAnn, this is what I have been training for for 24 years. What a waste of my life if I can't go do what I was trained to do. What I signed up to do. I am in the military to protect my country, and my family."
Maybe he just said that to soothe the scared look I had in my eyes. But knowing my brother, he has a lot of pride, I could see that he too is scared but I could also see the excitement he was feeling.
I remember when he left for basic training when I was 14. We had a similar conversation and he said that he knew what he was doing and wanted to do it. After he left, I cried like a baby. My protector was gone, the brother who beat me up and gave me bloody noses, the one who picked up doggy-doody and asked me if I wanted a tootsie roll. My big brother.
I remember running into my basement and crying to the song "Daniel" by Elton John and I replayed it for hours. I knew then that my brother wanted to go to war, I knew that somehow, some way, he would achieve that goal.
And here I sit, in complete turmoil because it is possibly that time. Time for him to maybe leave me for good. Time for him to leave the safe haven of home to go help another country.
Much of my anger comes from this in my last few posts. For people who have family members in the midst of this war and who believe in the spreading of Democracy, some of the things I have read and heard from the liberals have really upset me.
I should apologize but I won't at this point. Because I am not sorry for my feelings about some of the things I have said. Simply knowing a friend or a neighbor in the war doesn't even touch the feelings that I have for my brother leaving.
One of my best friends husband has been to Iraq two times in the last two years. He volunteered the second time.
They live about 30 minutes from where we live. There were some arab folks working at a store right next to their house and for a very long time after his first tour, he hated them. He was terrified of them. Until he realized they were all for America and the military giving a helping hand.
Her and I don't talk too much about the stories he has come home with. He says that these people are bad people, the insurgents. Driving down the road is like playing russian roulette with your life. But on the upside, the happiness that he sees spreading is worth all of the danger he faces daily. He wanted to go back because he saw the difference. He saw the positive changes that were being made.
None of which is ever reported or looked at it seems.
I think my bitter anger towards people who are against the war is because they never seem to see the good in this whole thing, never seem to point out the positive and these blind liberals just refuse to admit that maybe there may be some good to this for people in other countries. They only care about their own selfish lives and not about the lives of the Afghans, and Iraqis. "What can I complain about today that will get me my way". is a question that comes to mind when I think about the liberals.
I know that many of our soldiers have been lost and it saddens me every day but what saddens me more is that there are still troops over there making a positive impact but no one seems to notice that.
Mention of the 'Gulag', desecration of the Koran. These are just very petty things that are being pointed out. The 'big picture' is never pointed out though. And when the right wing does make an attempt to air the good things, we are simply blasted with things that in my eyes are so miniscule. And to heiniously accuse one's own countrymen of doing these things, well, that is beyond words.
When the military gets a bad rap, my blood boils and I feel that people areso ungrateful. Hence the phrase, Un-American.
I may act as cold and callous as I have accused the left of but I am not afraid to say that I am capable of anger, vindictiveness, hurtful things. Name me a person who is not capable of a mean streak. We all have them.
I pray that mybrother passes his testing in Texas. He wants this so badly. But a part of me really wants him to fail just so he won't have to go.
I would love to go with him if he goes to Iraq and have even in the last few years mentioned being a military photographer there as I would love to capture some 'pure' moments in the hands of the military and the Iraqi's. Of course, Pat has put the kibaash on that one, doesn't want me in danger. But that doesn't mean I still don't want to do it.
I will apologize for my bitterness but not for some of the things that I have said. I am hoping that this post will release some of my stress but I don't think so.
My family doesn't really know what is going on with my brother as they are very against this war to begin with and he simply doesn't want them to know because of that. They are not supportive of him, just blame Bush and complain that he may have to go.
Sometimes, the walls just seem to tumble down faster more than others.
Written by louie0768 .
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