Saturday, May 7, 2005
Tonight I was at the store looking at Mother's Day cards for my mom and a very harsh pain surfaced in my heart. I couldn't find a single card that really struck the perfect nerve in me. You know how there are those absolutely perfect cards out there for that special person?
The last 3 years have been very difficult with my mom and I. It is a family thing that I just don't think will ever mend. There have been many angry and hurtful things said about me, my husband and probably my children.
If you haven't read some of my other entries, I have eluded to the differences amongst me and the rest of my siblings. The sneaking around, the lies, the man bashing that I was surrounded by growing up. This is the type of family that bonds over gossip and I just want no part of it anymore. I have come to realize over the last several years that my mom is the 'leader' of the pack. This I know is a harsh thing to say about a woman who endured many horrible things during my childhood but who also never practices what she preaches, even to this day.
As I picked up different cards, many said how a mom is there for you, how a mom believes in you, how a mom has unconditional love no matter what. How you can turn to a mom when you need her...just all these positive things about moms.
I was almost in tears because not only couldn't I find a card even remotely close to my relationship or feelings for my mom but I had this enormous amount of guilt in me. Guilt because somehow I have always felt that I have done something wrong. Something to disappoint her. Something to make her say hateful things to me.
But all my life all I ever wanted to do was make her see that I was going to grow up and not be like my older siblings. That I was going to graduate high school, that I wasn't the home-wrecker that my father met when I was three and she always told me I was just like, that I wasn't the liar she always accused me of being, that I was going to get married before I had a baby, that I was going to marry a good man who loved me and allowed me to be me, that I wouldn't get divorced and I could go on with this list.
I have more than proven myself but to this day, however, my mom still seems to dislike who I have become. She finds fault in my husband, she finds fault in my political beliefs, she doesn't believe things I tell her, she tells me that one day my kids will disappoint me, she tells me that I am not aperfect mother even though I have never claimed to be. She has even told me that I was a mistake.
Some extremely deep seeded hurt lies within me. My father was an alcoholic, he was abusive, and he had a 15 year affair. Him and my mother remained married. This woman was a family friend from the moment my father brought her home. To this day, my mom just hates what he did and I don't blame her, that was a horrible experience growing up.
I had two women in my life from age 3-18. At the age of 3, I was just a baby. This woman brought me things and played with me, held me until I would fall asleep but it wasn't until I turned about 7 or 8 that I started to catch wind of what was really going on. That I actually started to understand the meaning of the word home wrecker. But at this point, I think it was too late for my mom. She seemed to hate me already because I liked this woman who was wrecking her home, I actually loved her.
That all changed when I turned 13. We would go up to this woman's cabin every weekend and I just loved it there...swimming, paddle-boat, fishing, water skiing. It was a child's dream. One day I had been there by myself and a boy from the local resort stopped by the dock on his paddle boat and him and I sat out there and talked for a few minutes. Well, the folks and woman came back and my father told me that I shouldn't have had a visitor and the woman cut him off and told me that I was a slut because I was sneaking around with boys. My father or mother said nothing, just walked away.
Things became more and more clear, this woman invaded our life. I saw things between her and my father, she slapped one of my brothers for backtalking...my mom intervened but my father yelled at my mom. It was an ugly childhood. While this whole three ring circus was happening, I was also watching the things my brothers and sisters were doing. Coming home pregnant, living with different guys, my brothers were never around, it was chaos. Writing about it is very difficult actually because it has only been a thought for all these years. A thought that has haunted me for a very long time.
Oddly enough, I adore my father. He was always kind to me, always had time for me no matter what, was always patient with me, played with me, did silly things...he showed me he loved me. But what is even more odd is that him and I don't talk very much. We joke around with eachother, we have had a few confrontations which have been quite exhilarating while at the same time, terrifying. We have a silent love. A silent bond but to this day, I don't know why. He did some horrible things that I would divorce my husband for immediately.
My mom and I? Well, she is still very critical of me, the things I do, how I raise my kids. Still calls me a liar and tends to believe all the gossip that my family spreads around about my marriage and my husband. Very painful things...things that constitute slander in the law books. I have actually distanced myself and my family from all of them. We, my husband, my children and I just can't take the glares, the accusing eyes, the inuendos...it's just simpler to avoid them.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom very much but not in the way a card would describe. It's almost a desparate kind of love. A love that is reaching out to empty space. A love that is just looking for 2 words, "I approve".
But with Mother's Day just one day away and the cards looming in front of me, that ache...all of this writing is what was going through my mind. Except for one other thing.
How I wish that I could find the perfect card for a mom I so desparately ache to have.
Written by louie0768 .
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