Thursday, May 12, 2005
My 15-yr. old daughter approached me tonight looking for some advice.
We were in the kitchen and in a quiet voice she said, "Mom, one of my freinds thinks she's pregnant, how can I help her?" My mind was racing a mile a minute as I took her to our bedroom to talk in private. "What do I say? Is it her? How can I help? I don't believe in abortion yet here I am having to give my daughter advice.
This is my oldest daughter. I call her my 'butterfly'. She is all about people. She has had the plague of meeting many troubled kids who have ultimately become her friends. Divorce, abuse, alcoholism, just plain troubled kids. She attracts them like magnets.
Patrick and I can only shake our heads...she has a huge heart. She just loves to help people with problems but I often worry about her because she tends to ignore her own. She is a lot like I was when I was that age. I always looked for the 'beaten dog' because I couldn't stand to see people hurting so bad. My pain didn't matter, I internalized everything. I am still that way to a point although I have learned some very painful lessons along the way.
Anyway I asked her who her friend was. She didn't want to give me a name because she didn't want me to look down on this girl. I told her that I wouldn't do that. So she gave me the name. It's a new girl that just came to the district about a month ago from the cities. I asked how old. "15", she said. My heart just sank. I asked why this girl wouldn't talk to her mom about this? Apparently this mother told her daughter that if she ever got pregnant in high school that she would disown her. BIG mistake, never threaten a child over such serious issues. Ever heard the term rebelion? I was a rebel, still am. Anyway, I guess this mother had her daughter when she was only 16-years old.
My first words were, 'well, she shouldn't be having sex.' My daughter agreed. Then I flung out twenty questions-'how late is she, what is she planning to do if she is, did they use protection, does the boy attend their school, etc. Turns out this girl is only a couple of days late. They used protection BUT the condom broke, she is begging other kids to bring her to get an abortion, the boy lives in the cities and her mother allowed him to spend the night for this girls birthday. This girl is offering money to people to punch her in the stomach.
My advice? Well, first I asked my daughter if it was actually her. NO WAY was the response. Thank God, BIG sigh of relief. Then I proceded with my motherly rant. She first needs to stop stressing so much about it because stress can cause problems with the cycle. Second, she really needs to talk to her mother. Third, I told my daughter to find out exact dates of her last cycle and explained a few woman things to her. She really needs to talk to her mother! Then I said, she just cannot get an abortion. I asked if this girl likes babies and Dani said, "She LOOOOOVES babies". Oh, she just really needs to talk to her mother about this. I must've said that after every sentence that wasn't that one.
I told her to sit down and to talk to her about the overall effect an abortion might have on her. Don't try to force her not to have an abortion because that is just wrong is what I told Dani. I told her that her beliefs aren't necessarily the correct ones for all but to try to explain some things about abortion at least. Emotionally, i don't think abortion is the answer for this young girl who supposedly loves kids so much. But being a mom isn't the right answer either. As I have said before, adoption.
Ultimately, I didn't have an answer to my daughters latest high school saga. Every day there is a dilemma and I feel like I am betraying other moms when their kids come to me or my daughter comes to me with others dilemmas . I told my daughter tonight, "I just can't speak for these parents,I can't be their moms" even though I wish that I could help these kids. My first thought was to have this girl over to the house and talk to her in person. But that would be stepping on another woman's toes in my eyes. Just this past weekend, she had one of her friends over who had cut her wrist. Not bad but all the same, she is definately in a deep state of sadness. This girl has been part of our lives for many years though she barely talks when she is around. She just LOOKS sad. Sad brown eyes and her smile is barely there.
We have banned our girl from doing things with this particular girls mom because this mom, well, she just isn't the type I want my daughter with. She is the kind of woman that likes to be cool among all the kids in school and lavish kids with her charm. Long story, another entry.
Anyway, this girl cut her wrist over a boy 'playing' her emotions. Typical high school follies for teens. But looking back on my teenage years, those were some very confusing times for me.
I took the two girls out to dinner and I had her show me her wrist. I have talked to this girl before about things but again, just feel like I am crossing a very fine line. We discussed that nobody is worth this, that there are people in her life that would really be hurt if she actually did kill herself.
I told her about a time in my life that was a very dark day to put it mildly. But what knocked some sense into me that day was actually the scene in which my parents would walk into. How horrible it would be for them to find my brains splattered all over their living room, how my 7 brothers and sisters would be devastated, my friends...and it hit me how incredibly selfish I was being and how incredibly stupid. Never again after that day did I attempt to take my life.
After I told my story, I looked at her and only said, 'really think about it'. Again, not my child, but trying to make some sort of an impact.
I did see her mother the next day. I told her for the second time that her daughter is very sad. That she has cut her wrist and was afraid to tell her mom because she is afraid of what her mom might say to her. That she might get into trouble. The last time I talked with this girl, her mom pretty much changed for a couple of weeks but went back to her same old self eventually. This time, from what I have heard, she did get into a little trouble. I told my daughter to tell this girl that I HAD to tell her mom what was going on, that she is her mother and she should be the one helping, not me. And that if she did get into trouble that I am so very sorry. I didn't tell her mom this so the girl could get yelled at for something that needs some very serious attention.
I told this mom everything we talked about and instead of a thank you this mom proceded to tell me what other horrible things her daughter has done. In my mind, all I could think of and really wanted to say is, SHE'S CRYING OUT FOR SOME HELP/ATTENTION! It almost seemed as though there was nothing behind her eyes, that she had more important things to deal with.
If someone told me my daughter was doing this stuff, I would be devastated and take the day off of work, pick her up from school and figure out what we should do together. Love her, let her know that I am there and will help her through the rough years of being a teenager. I would appreciate anyone that my daughter trusts enough to talk with, to actually take her seriously and to later let me know if it is this bad. I wouldn't feel that I am lacking as a mom, all kids have other outlets, I accept that.
How does one deal with this type of situation? Where is that line for another parent in regards to something like this.
I ache for any kid/adult that is feeling pain, that is being hurt in some way, my own childrens dilemmas. But there are other mothers out there, can any of you tell me how to deal with this?
Written by louie0768 .
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