Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Have you ever had the feeling in your gut that in this life, we are all born of the same mold? That we are all inevitably going to have the same experiences in some round about way? That when it does occur that another is in the same situation that you once had that you fear talking to them because you might just say the wrong thing?

That situation is upon me, that moment is happening and I just want to crawl in a hole and cry like a baby because of that feeling of familiarity, the knowledge that there isn't a damn thing I can do to help yet I so badly want to, that desire to just be there to protect this person and others around her.

However, I am not a saint, I am not an angel, I am not God and I am definitely not superhuman. These things I do know but man, I just wish I could be....make time stop exactly where it is so life will not move forward...simply just stay where it is at and everyone can just be and maintain and not have to worry about what may be.

Emotions have been running pretty high these last couple weeks with many things going on in our life and others. My friend's father is really not doing well and of course the things I wrote above are about that. This friend and I have reconnected over the last year or so....her and I were pretty close for a few years way back when and then we just lost contact with each other for dumb reasons that don't even matter me anyway. We were confirmed together back in 6th grade...I had completely forgotten that we had attended those classes together all those years ago. She reminded me of that a couple weeks ago.

Now, as I sit here hoping not to get a call from her, for reasons I would rather just not think about, all I can do is ache for her and her family. It's what I do. I spoke to her last night and was very surprised that I was able to hold it together and talk....I'm not great in these types of situations to begin with. All the tears I've shed this past week for her I was certain that when I got a call that I would just crumble and not be able to speak to her at all. There are just too many similarities between her father and mine. She called it freaky and trust really is.

There were dry eyes from me, a strength that I was certain would disappear or maybe it wasn't strength but only a wall of protection I've built around me since my father died...but at the same time, that sense of helplessness. I just want to be near her because I know, because I can relate, because I don't know any other way to help her out. She knows that I'm praying for her, she knows that I'm a phone call away and that I would drop everything in a second and fly down to be with her...even though I know that she is with exactly who she wants and needs right now...her hubby and kids and her family.

My friends were wonderful when my dad was leaving us, they were there with whatever I may have needed, only they weren't what I wanted. I never did call them for anything because I am like that.....have to pretend that I'm strong and will be just fine. That shield of protection I spoke of...cannot be weak, must endure and learn to deal, and act accordingly.

Sorry girls, I mean nothing horrible by that, I will explain right now. There was no one around me that could give me what I wanted at that time. No one that could take away the pains that were circulating in my heart and my body, no one to ease my worries and my fears. No words or distractions were even close to what I wanted. And that is no fault of anyone's, it is just how life progresses and how we must learn to live and cope.

While I know that no matter what I may do for my friend during this time will never remove the millions of emotions, I also know that she knows that we love her and that she knows that no matter what, we will do whatever we can to help her out. She knows how she felt when my father was in the hospital....I now know how she felt too...

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