Monday, November 03, 2008

Doing what's best for me....

Tonight there was a memorial service for all those who died over the last year, at my folks' church. I didn't attend even though I wanted to for my mom. Call me selfish but re-opening up wounds that are barely beginning to heal is just not something I'm ready to do and I guess for myself, I don't think it's a really good idea. Yes, it's been tough, it's been hard not to think about some memory everyday or my father's laugh or this jibe or that poke. It's election time, him and Pat would go back and forth every election year because my parents are was great.

I spoke with my mom about this yesterday and apologized to her. She said she understood and had thought the same thing. How could she not, she has to live in that house surrounded by the many memories that linger. I felt bad telling her I wasn't attending but at the same time, I guess I know better what is best for myself, my family here. It's been hard on all of us in this house and we are all still struggling to believe at times. Laughter comes easier, but there are still many moments that we stop and recall this or that or some dumb thing will trigger a memory.

In the weeks before this service I often thought about this. Do I really want to go and cry my eyes out as I know I would? Do I really want to feel that empty feeling so close to my heart and have to struggle to get to the point I'm at right now? Yes, I'm feeling some amount of guilt but not because I didn't go to honor my dad...only because I wasn't there for my mom. But knowing that other family members would be there gave me a lot of comfort too. My father is in my heart forever, in my thoughts in nearly all that I do...he knows.

The loss is deep, I can certainly admit that. Things creep up so unexpectedly and those tears flow so freely. It's not the crying of a person hurting my feelings or of's a different crying, one that has no off valve. Ones I just cannot control no matter how very hard I try. It's a crying that feels so good but hurts so bad all at once, one that makes my whole body hurt....I just don't know. But I do know that I cannot walk into those fingers of anguish all over again, it's just like walking into a hornets nest for me. I avoid these types of situations as much as I can because I internalize and absorb so much and end up with severe anxiety/panic disorder.

Oh, I just don't know.....just had to get this off my chest I guess.

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