Realizations

I am taking another breather today. The weight of the stress in both my head in my heart is becoming just too much.

Two days ago, things were going well for my dad. He was up and walking, cheery, talkative and excited about the prospect of getting out of the hospital so he could sleep again.

Well, yesterday just wasn't as uplifting. He had a rough day yesterday, one that continued into today. His vitals are all really good and one would think that he would be able to just walk out if all that is normal. Not the case.

I'm having a pretty bad day today...tired, cranky, on edge...just not a good day, a good week.

Perhaps it's because I sat in his room with him and mom for most of the day yesterday and I got to see a lot. Progressions of sorts from one thing to the next. I was pretty torn up to have to leave but as I said before, that pull that I feel to be here or there...and what can I do for him but watch him, ache for him and for mom, "will" my own organs into his body so he can get better, just anything.

I guess I'm at a point of realization, the realization that no matter how much I love, how much I pray that one day the inevitable will happen. I know, that is morbid but the phases that I myself have been experiencing through all of this, the growing, the adjusting...

Dad is doing ok again today, as best as he was when I left him yesterday but is tired. Visitors, phone calls, nurses, all the procedures he's undergone...he is just tired.

Anyway...I must go now. Pat and I are going to have a dinner together tonight. I just need some time with him I think, some time to focus on things that I've been neglecting.