(I don't know where this post is going but it is just one of those moments)
Have you ever had a night full of dreams that kept repeating themselves?
For myself, its not those pleasant, happy ending ones, it's usually ones that I wake up and feel as though I was back in that time or that time is currently happening. And my mood is usually one of frustration because I just want the images to go away.
Last night, with all the family stuff going on, I was reliving three specific childhood memories. Ones that I hadn't spoken about with another for quite a long time. I just recently mentioned them to someone a few days ago and since, they seem to be haunting me. That's not to say that I don't think of those moments once in awhile but thinking and speaking result in two totally different outcomes.
I am not one to really dwell on the bad things that I experienced in my childhood. Because now is now, what good will it do me to wallow. But of course there are those experiences that trigger the emotion and it usually takes a week or two to shake things off. They hide but they don't go away, I can tell you that much. And I do write about some.
Pat has always been really good when it comes to my childhood. He listens and helps me through a lot. More than anyone else has ever done for me. It's funny because my knee jerk reaction these last few days has been to just scream on this blog about all the things that have happened in my life, to say things that I know that I'll regret. Hurtful things. I only want the truth to be heard, to be said.
I will write something and make sure that Pat reads them for this reason. Because when writing out of anger or hurt or frustration I just don't care what I say to people, I want them to know that they have hurt me or angered me. He is my editor and the poor guy has endured quite a lashing in the last couple of weeks. He will tell me to re-word or to change this to that to make is sound nicer and I will get frustrated and angry and yell at him. It's not his fault.
He will put his hands on my shoulders and squeeze them and kiss my cheek and it always brings me back to reality. That he is here for me no matter how much I bite his head off or ignore him. Then I tell him I'm sorry and he gives me a little grin and says, "I know honey, I know how hard this is for you".
He is a great guy. I love him to death! I tell myself each day how very lucky I am to have him and will just watch him without him looking. I sit and think about how I came with a lot of family baggage and realize that he married me because he loved me, that he believed in me.
He has had his share of squabbles with many in my family including both my mom and dad. He has done all of this for me and that is something that never ceases to amaze me. My self esteem has always been that of a slug in the ground. And with all the crap that I have been reading and hearing from my family, I can now see more clearly why that is. Why I have always felt like I didn't deserve to be loved. Why I didn't deserve the devotion that Pat has given to me for almost 18 years. But he has suffered because I feel this way.
Of course this will be read by my family and they will of course say I'm blaming them for my poor self esteem and blame Pat as well. All I can say to that is, it has to come from somewhere and I have had to rehash many memories and things that occurred in my childhood over the last few days. Things that I know, if I said or did to my family, my kids, or some stranger in a dark alley, they too would not feel the best about themselves.
Oh, and then some in the family would say that these feelings are from a guilty conscious. I have no guilt except for one thing. That my husband, the man who has treated me better than I thought I ever deserved, has had to endure all of this along with me. And it is crushing him to see me so hurt, to see me cry so much, to see me feel so beaten. He just wishes that these people would stop calling here, leave us alone. So do I actually.
My mom used to say that 'sticks and stones...' saying but that has got to be the most twisted saying I have ever heard! Words hurt deep and scar a person for life. At least a person can heal in weeks from sticks and stones.
I know this is a weird entry but my emotions are in chaos right now.
I tend to think that when things get tough for me I look for something that will make me forget. Something that will spark that happiness that I usually feel and that ability to understand things. Poor Pat, within a week he will be laden with 3 dogs! Yep, my little puppy was my wake up call this time.
Sadly, I was all excited to go and get him on Wednesday only to find out this morning that I have to wait until Saturday. **sigh** :(
Usually I go shopping but all us women know how damaging that can be...LOL But I come home with things for my kids and Pat usually. Must be my way of showing my guilt for being so distracted!
So, we all have to wait another week before I can reveal the name of the little guy and post a picture of him. Sorry. No one wants this distraction more than me!!!
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